I’m so freaking sick of this depression!!! Seriously I HATE it more than anything, even though I’m way better now than what I used to be, I’m still haunted by these thoughts that keep holding me back from being what I want to be more than anything in the world; HAPPY. It’s just so frustrating! UGH. It makes me question if I’ll ever get better.
Haven’t cut myself in 3 weeks or something, how awesome is that? :D
Finally making some progress here (:
this might seem creepy, cheesy and weird for non-religious people out there, just sayin.
So I’ve been struggling with some personal issues lately, and without doing anything wrong and still following the commandments, I’ve had problems feeling the spirit. I’ve prayed and read my favorite scriptures, but I have still felt empty, frustrated and depressed. Usually the gospel and all that “spiritual stuff” helps me lift the weight that I always carry around off my shoulders for a while, but the past couple of days nothing has helped, like nothing at all. I don’t even know why, which is something that really frustrates me because I know that the church is true and that I’m trying my best to be a good member and person.
Anyways, while sitting in church today I decided to text one of the missionaries and ask him for advice, and if it meant that I was doing something wrong. He’s a really good person to talk to - he knows about every single one of my “inner demons” to use such a fancy way to put it, and every stupid little thing that I do, but he never judges me, he always has something to say and he’s just a really good person to talk to. (and since he got transferred two weeks ago I kinda have to bother him with texts, haha) Like always what he said was really supporting - but suddenly, while texting him back, completely out of the blue I was hit by this wall of warmth and love (sounds cheesy as heck, but yeah) and it was really strong and almost overwhelming.
This weird little experience kind of gave me hope that even in my darkest days I’ll see light, and no matter how wrecked I’m feeling I’m not going back to where I once were because I now have something to keep me going.
What a lovely sunday-post, eh? (: Just felt like sharing it
… but hopefully this will reach out to people who find themselves in a similar mental situation
Reasons to live:
- I know for sure that God put me on this planet for a reason, and that he has a plan for me.
- There is always a tomorrow. I just have to look for the light switch.
- I feel like I’ve been making too much progress to give it all up now
- I have to set an example for my sister, and I want to see her succeed in life
- Over the past couple of months I have learned that there are actually people out there who care
- Funerals are very expensive, and I don’t want to be an economical burden for my family
- It would be unfair to the people who are really suffering and would do anything to switch lives with me
- I’m so lucky to have the best friends ever, and their support has been overwhelming, really
- I want to see everyone I miss again.
- All this regardless, I still feel worthless, and I still feel like I’m bothering everyone
- I’m still weak and I still want to harm myself, something I’m really ashamed of (but I haven’t, not in 4 months! :D)
- No matter what anyone says I will always feel like I’m not good enough.
- I doubt I’ll ever find someone who wants to spend the rest of their life with me because I’m too fat, ugly and weird. (note: I’m not writing this to make myself look like an attention whore, this is how I honestly view myself)
- I feel misunderstood.
- Most of the time I don’t even know what’s wrong with me, what’s really bothering me and why I’m sad, and I’m sick of that. It makes me feel claustrophobic, and I just want to get out.
But, you know, let the bright side overcome the darkness! Even though I’m not 100% okay yet, I’m not where I used to be, and while writing this I realized once again that I have more reasons to live than I have to get carried away in a coffin.